Kindness. Harder to do than being thankful.
My oldest granddaughter recently completed a month-long volleyball camp put on by Poulsbo Parks & Recreation. There were easily 25 to 30 girls, ages 9 and 10, participating and having fun. I had the dual role of driver and proud Pops who got to watch her play.
At the end of the camp, the coach called all the girls together to send them off. The coach is young, probably in her 20s, and a great role model for these preteen girls. She told them how much they had improved and reminded them to thank their parents. But her “parting shot” was what caught my attention most.
A Parting Shot
“Please be kind to each other…”
She didn’t just leave that statement hanging; she explained why being kind was important. I hope the girls heard her. I know the old guy chauffeuring his granddaughter did.
As we creep into the home stretch of the calendar year, the air is getting crisper, the decorations are coming out of the garages, and election campaigns are blaring. So are the social media posts and comments from people who aren’t even on the ballot.
I also see the vitriol often hurled at athletes who play for our favorite teams. It feels like recency bias is most on display among sports fans (and I’m not immune to it), who call for coaches to be fired and players to be benched, sometimes in the same calendar year they achieved tremendous success.
And so it goes in life…
These conditions aren’t new. They’re just amplified by our ability to post our own unfiltered op-eds on social media. We’re buoyed by those who comment in support and angered when others have contrarian views, especially in politics.
When the young coach urged her campers to be kind to each other, it dawned on me that her words apply to all of us.
As we enter the month when we celebrate Thanksgiving, it seems to me that it’s harder to show kindness than it is to be thankful.
Thankful vs. Kind
Over the years, I’ve read and listened to many a motivational speaker extolling gratitude and leading with a “heart” for being thankful. While I’m sure there’s an audience that needs that reminder, my experience is that the humans I’ve met tend to gravitate toward being thankful. It may not be how they lead their day, but their gratitude for the people in their lives, the businesses they run or work for, and the opportunities they’ve been given tends to come through.
I don’t know if I can say the same about kindness.
Much of the unkindness seems to happen when the person or group being singled out isn’t even in the room. It plays out in social media posts, cyberbullying, and gatherings where nearly everyone shares the same point of view.
The damage comes when it spreads. It’s one thing to have a differing point of view; that’s healthy, and debate is good. It’s quite another to be mean-spirited, hurtful, and vulgar to other people.
The most sobering part? Just as we’ve seemingly grown numb to violence in our schools to the point that it’s been normalized, we’ve also normalized cruelty on social media and within groups of like-minded thinkers (see: political parties).
In this month of giving thanks, I’d like to suggest we add one more objective. How about we work at being kinder? My suggestion isn’t limited to the keyboard. Let’s take a closer look at our words, our behaviors, and even our thoughts.
The Anatomy of Kindness
Let’s start by understanding the “anatomy” of kindness. If we reverse-engineer an unkind act, whether it’s a social media post, a harsh word, or a cruel joke, it all starts in our heads.
We’re human. I catch myself being vitriolic toward both myself and others. We’re emotional beings, and that’s normal. What breaks the chain is what we do at that point.
The 24-Hour Rule
I’ve coached high school basketball and golf for over a decade. One of the best “rules” I set for myself was the 24-hour rule. Regardless of the result, I wouldn’t discuss the game or make decisions until one full day had passed. That gave me time to let emotions subside, review the game more clearly, and keep recency bias from seeping in. It also helped me help the players improve. There’s a huge difference between a player feeling accountability and feeling abandonment.
This same 24-hour rule works just as well in the workplace, in organizations, in the classroom, and with friends.
Being kind starts with ourselves. We’re most tolerant of others when we’re first tolerant of ourselves. The next step is to allow time before acting. Finally, we can commit to remembering that we’re dealing with other humans, who deserve kindness just like we do.
In honor of the young coach who set a great example, let me send you off into November with her simple exhortation: Be kind to each other.
